Saturday, October 9, 2010

08th Oct 2010 a letter

Hi to everyone of you. Been quite sometime since I send an e mail to Auntie Doris and big brother Paul. Been very busy since the beginning of this year. Conducting training for the staffs I working with recently too. While I busy working, I think I had miss out alots of my social life. All of you here play a part in my life. When I was low, giving up hope. You all are the one who are there to motivate and support me. Special Thanks to Auntie Doris and big brother Paul that after so many years, both of you never give up hope on me. Sometime, I really wish to have a break, but to be honest. Only work able to divert my attention and keep me focus. I know it's not very healthy but that the best that I can do presently. From a young boy, working hard towards my dreams, I had been staying very focus. I know what I want and what I wish to do when I grow up. From the day that I join the army till the day I leave, it change me to a totally different person. I thank you Auntie Doris for beening there when I'm in the army. Doing some soul searching recently. Who and what are the impact in my life. I think gong gong and po po make a very big impact in me. Both of them, till today are the closest person and people who I love most. Whenever I lost someone, I think of them. Not feeling sad, but think how I live without them. They are all not longer around, but I'm still living. What will they hope from me if they are still around? I think will be that I will be safe and healthy ba. If I'm able to carry on with my life without this 2 most important people in my life, what else can be worse than that. It's what they teach me and the time that we spend together that is important. They are always in my heart even I seldom talk about them now adays. Ever since a young boy, I think I had made most of my family members worry about me, maybe because I'm the elderest grandson. To protective that I think I don't really grow than but it let me learn and understand what is bonding between family. I'm lucky that because of alots of family members, I expose to many different things since a young boy. Papa and ma ma are also trying their best to give me a home. Not only a roof over my head, but a home that are fill with love. They had try their best. At young age, I start working while I'm still schooling. I thankful that I had this chance. Because what I had learn than, I'm still using them in my work place today. That tell me that not matter what I had before, it make me who I am today. Used to study because of the cert, but now, I study for knowleage. That's a very big different. I know that if able to earn more, why not? But to be honest, because that I had always rush things in my life because I wish to sucess and make up the time which I had lost, I end up making things worse. So now, I'm taking my time. Learn to be patience and give time more time. Most of you here always ask me how am I. You all are the only few that I will tell honestly. I'm not sure. Still lost, still no direction but doing what I can. Yes, over the years, there are improvement but to honest, I'm not sure am I stable on not? Still unable to sleep well and still having flashback. Most of the time, when I came across news of soldier kill in action, I will still cry at night. Yup, I appear strong, but deep inside, I'm still weak I guess. From sometime I like most to something I fear most. I hope that while I'm alive, i won't have to go through that again but at the sametime, i wish to go back to where I had fall and start again. Very confusing here. The way I doing things at work are like I'm still in the army. It can be something good and something bad too. Of course I did mix with alots of others things that I had learn over the years in different trade too. In army, an order is always an order. You don't have a choice to choose, but outside, it's different. Everyone have the right to choose and that's not wrong. I think because of being train to deal with crisis, I'm able to react fast in different condition and problem that I face at work. Just that sometime, still very childish, do not feel the satisfaction when my income getting better. lol. Have to find that balance. Manage my expectation. I wish that one day, I won't feel so lonely and lost anymore. At the meantime, I just need to do what I need to do daily. I find a way to relax myself. That is to write, write out how I feel and what on my mind and I will like to share it with you all as you all are positive people who I feel comfortable and safe in whatever I going to share. Take care all. Please pray for me. Don't let me go backwards. Understand what are my weakness is one thing. Correcting them and put them into action are more important. Jia you!!! Not matter which part of world each and everyone of you. I just wish to let you know that I galdful that what you had done for me. Auntie Doris, send my regards to boy boy and Roger too. Your Sincerely,Ivan

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

29/09/2010 Wed 1809hrs

Have a change of working location today. Manage to close a deal at $1110. Handling phone call

and replying e mail to customers too. How I feel today? I not very sure too. One thing for sure is

that I'm still moving and I just do what I need to do daily.

Been reading the blog which I posted yesterday. It remind me that I'm able to cope and live.

Do what I can, at where I am and as who I am. I not hiding any emotion too. I just don't really

feel like talking unless it's work related.

It's not easy, but I have come this far. Things are improving althrough there some set back

sometime. Life don't always go the way that we wish for. Everyday is a new experience and

everyday is a learning day.

Have to stay positive, remember the teaching that is good and to bear them in my mind. I hope

that i able to keep it up. Be patience, have faith, determination and wisdom to carry on with my

daily life. Remember that furture come a day at a time and you have to make the first step out

of whatever you are dealing now. God bring you out in order to bring you in. Don't hate but

forgive.

When one door is close, the other will be open for you. You know what you are capable, all you

need is to have the courage and take away all the fear. Be sincere always. Do what you need, but

also must know when or how to let go. Sometime it's really about meeting the right person, at

the right time and the right place. All things have a beginning, that's the starting point. How to

maintain and work along the way to the end is another issue.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Art of Being Well

The Art of Being Well
Dr. Dráuzio Varella

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Speak your feelings.

and feelings that are hidden, repressed, end in illnesses as: gastritis, ulcer, lumbar pains, spinal. With time, the repression of the feelings degenerates to the cancer. Then, we go to a confidante, to share our intimacy, ours "secret", our errors! The dialogue, the speech, the word, is a powerful remedy and an excellent therapyEmotions!

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Make Decisions.

The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish. Indecision accumulates problems, worries and aggressions. Human history is made of decisions. To decide is precisely to know to renounce, to know to lose advantages and values to win others. The undecided people are victims of gastric ailments, nervous pains and problems of the skin.

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Find Solutions.

Negative
people do not find solutions and they enlarge problems. They prefer lamentation, gossip, pessimism. It is better to light a match that to regret the darkness. A bee is small, but produces one of the sweetest things that exist. We are what we think. The negative thought generates negative energy that is transformed into illness.

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Don’t Live By Appearances.

Who hides reality, pretends , poses and always wants to give the impression of being well. He wants to be seen as perfect, easy-going, etc. but is accumulating tons of weight. A bronze statue with feet of clay. There is nothing worse for the health than to live on appearances and facades. These are people with a lot of varnish and little root. Their destiny is the pharmacy, the hospital and pain.

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Accept.

The refusal of acceptance and the absence of self-esteem, make us alienate ourselves. Being at one with ourselves is the core of a healthy life. They who do not accept this, become envious, jealous, imitators, ultra-competitive, destructive. Be accepted, accept that you are accepted, accept the criticisms. It is wisdom, good sense and therapy.

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Trust.

Who does not trust, does not communicate, is not opened, is not related, does not create deep and stable relations, does not know to do true friendships. Without confidence, there is not relationship. Distrust is a lack of faith in you and in faith itself.

If you don’t want to be ill...
...Do Not Live Life Sad.

Good humor. Laughter. Rest. Happiness. These replenish health and bring long life. The happy person has the gift to improve the environment wherever they live. "Good humor saves us from the hands of the doctor". Happiness is health and therapy.

Monday, September 27, 2010

27/09/2010 Monday 1556 Hrs

One fine day, I make up my mind. What I'm looking at are all not real. Because of my thinking

I unable to really be happy in all things I'm doing. I won't call that giving up, but more like letting

go. From lots of book that I read, if you can't change what happening, change yourself. I gain

alots, but what I lost is my soul. I live for the sake for living. A person with no past and no

furture.

I know my believe and character will destroy me one day. No one said that life will be easy.

I know that, if have to live for nothing, I rather die for something. How long am I able to lie and

cheat myself. I know what I want to do, I know where my heart belong to.

Over the years, there's improvement. Improvement in the relationship of my family. One main

reason I'm hangging on is because of them too. I have to be realistic too. Knowing that what I

want to do need financial back up too and while I'm not around, my family will have enough

money to maintain their daily lifestyle.

I won't know will I regert in furture, but I really wish to do it. I need all the determination and

will power that God have ever give me. I don't wish to run and hide anymore. Not longer about

how others feel, but it's on how Ivan feel.

Friday, September 24, 2010

24/09/2010 Friday 1427 Hrs

Look around us. Just take a min of your time and look around. Not matter what is going on in

your life now, everyone else are still moving. You may ask, will anyone know how you feel?

Maybe there is, maybe there's not but does it still matter anymore. It's your life, if you don't do

something about it, who will?

I know I'm feeling tired, but so are many others. I still have work to do, daily life to lead. Look

what's happening around you and there are real. Even if you don't wish to face it, it will always

be the fact. Truth will always be the truth.

I will be always who I am. Yes, I will grow and I will learn. All I know is that I'm still living and I

have to do something about my life. Keep whatever is good and let go of all the bad. Now I have

a job to do, so just do it. Everyday is a new chanlleage and yet everyday is a new hope. The only

easy day was yesterday. There's a will and there will be a way. Give it your best shot. Jia you!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

21/09/2010 Tuesday 1546 Hrs Crisis.

Recently, I had been struggling with my thoughts.

Since Dec last year till now, my life had changed alot.

I thank God that he sent wonderful and positive friends into my life.

Although there are alots of trials, but I had grow.

I'm moving on even that there's will be obstacle once a while.

Let see what the different.

From stopping to work for 2.5 years, I started work this year.

From isolating myself for 2.5 years, I start to move out.

Alot of people often ask me, what happen? Why I always wish to give up on life.

That's very a long story and I will like to leave them behide.

When for service on sat. At service, we talk about crisis.

Here are a few points that was share on that day.

God brought us out in order to bring us in.

Deuteronomy 6:21-23

Tell him:"We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a

mighty hand. Before our eyes the Lord sent miraculous signs and wonders- great and terrible-

upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. But he brought us out from there to bring us

in and give us the land that he promised on the oath to our forefathers."

1.Crisis is normal to life.

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have

trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

1 Peter 4:12-13

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something

strange were happening to you. but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that

you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

2. All growth is by way of crisis.

3.Crisis reveals weaknesses that need to be strengthened.

Matthew 26:38

Then he said to them, " My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and

keep watch with me."

Hebrews 12:26-27

At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised. "Once more I will shake not

only the earth but also heavens." The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be

shaken-that is, created things-so that we cannot be shaken may remain.

Luke 22:31-32

Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your

faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.

6 Things to remember in crisis.

1. Forgive

2.Don't panic

3.Admit God's sovereignty.

4.Hold on your core fundamentals.

5.Be willing to make changes

6.Don't limit God.

Core Mission

Great Commandment,Great commission,Cultural Mandate

Core Values

Education,Creativity,Character

Core Strengths

Prayer,Fellowship,Discipleship,Ministry,Evangelism.

Hope that by sharing the above, some will be benefit from it. Take care all.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Everyone Has A Dream

Everyone Has A Dream ..... so Dream Big!Do you have a Big Dream inside your heart that hasn't come true yet?You may not be able to describe it. You may have forgotten it ... but there is no time like the Christmas Season to get started on your owndaring adventure.What may first seem like a road full of obstacles is actually a seriesof opportunities to help you along toward your destiny. What gets you beyond the appearance of any obstacle is "heart" ... reconnecting withthe "heart of your desire" in all of this becomes your driving force.For more than a hundred years, runners tried to break the four-minute mile. It was considered the "Holy Grail" of track and field. Many saidit couldn't be done. In fact, doctors wrote articles in medicaljournals explaining why the human body could never run a mile in less than four minutes.However, in May 1954, a British medical student named Roger Banisterran the mile in 3 minutes, 59.5 seconds. This was an amazing story andmade headlines around the world. Yet what happened afterward is even more amazing. The four-minute mile was broken again the next month,and then again ...and again. It has since been broken more than 700times, sometimes by several people in the same race.What happened? They weren't training any differently, but for the first time they believed they could do it. The barriers in the mindhad come down.This Christmas, remember the power of belief when it comes tofulfilling your dreams. Every person who has ever achieved any degree of success has had one thing in common: they believed with all theirheart they could do it.Hope it renews your mind and rekindles your heart's truest desires.Enjoy it as often as you need to keep yourself in an uplifted, miraculous "state of mind."Today is a great day to go forward into the journey of your life.Take Heart... and May your heart sing as you embrace this Christmas Season

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The bamboo and the fern

One day I decided to quit...I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with GOD.
"GOD", I said "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me... "Look around", GOD said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo." GOD said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo see. I would not quit." GOD said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
GOD said to me. "Did you know, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." GOD said.
"The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", GOD said to me. "You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" GOD asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned "Yes." GOD said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story. I hope these words can help you see that GOD will never give up on you. GOD will never give up on you "Life is not a problem to be solved, but a gift to be enjoyed" Keep Smiling

Thursday, September 9, 2010

09/09/2010 Thurs 2101 hrs

After so many incidents. Do we really learn something? Understanding what should be done and yet still unable to let go fully. I guess that's part of life too. Just have to be patience. Time will heal everything and while we look back many years later, we may just laugh at it.

The harm that we brought to each other are more than the love we gave to each other. You can't just walk in and out of others life as you want to and feel that's there's no different. Nothing much can be done now.

May God bless us. End of the day, we both don't wish that things turn out this way.

09/09/2010 Thurs 1316 Hrs

Stay focus at present and leave everything else aside. Jia you!!!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

05/09/2010 Sunday 1755Hrs

Diverting all my attendtion to my work and working towards my dream. Just sign up for first aid course. That will be my very first step to work towards my dream.

Will save as much as possible and arrange time to take up more course to join as a volunteer in red cross. My physical body may be here, but deep inside of me, I wish to be able to hands on and really go and help someone.

All thing take time and this time round, I will go step by step and stay focus to achieve what I wish to do.

I admit that I feel really hurting. Does not mean that you really love and care for someone, she will able to feel it and understand. Worse is that no chance to comunicate and solve the issue.

whatever I went through are not really enough for me to prepare for what's going to happen. Just have to get ready, ready to strike.

I believe that god have his plan for me and there's reason for all things and event that happen on me. This is my life and that all I have. Rather that feeling low and depress, I will try to do what I can, from where I am and as who I am to make full use of my life that Lord have given me.

As human, I do have emotion too. Knowing that I unable to handle it well, I will do my very best that it won't happen again in my life.

I ask for wisdom, strength and determination to go through all trials. Father, do help,lead and guide me along the way. Everytime when I feel that it's the end, you always bring me back and there must be a reason behide it.

I pray for good health too, without that, I unable to do anything. Lord, you never give up on me, so I'm not going to give up on myself. I will fight, fight to the very end.

Endure and be patiance. To me, no right or wrong in life. I had seen alots of changes. Nothing are definite in life. What you have may not stay with you forever and what you don't have now may appear later in your life. Sometime is also about lost and found.

Jia you!!! Not matter what happen, just move on. Nothing is impossible. Go for it soldier!!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

04/09/2010 Sat 1400 hrs

Been very busy lately. Still unable to sleep well but moving on. Stopped medication for a month. After discuss with my doctor, will still take the medication but at lower dosage.

Not much time to spend with my family but everythings seem going well. Mummy and sis going Hong Kong for holidays next month.

There are still some issue that I still unable to solve, I just pray that God will give me wisdom to go through all trials and from every trials I go through, I will learn from it and grow.

Still have something holding me back which I unable to let go but still moving on as I just do much to make it better and life goes on not matter what.

Improvement at my work place too. End of the day, communication is still very important and not matter what we discuss, we have to go ahead and try. Risk involve but not matter what's the outcome, at least we try and we learn in the process too.

Meet a friend who I have not see for years. Happy to see him and know that he still in the force after so many years. Enjoying what he do and living in his dreams. A very outstanding soldier.

At some point, my EQ is low. Learn a way, by sharing it out. Nothing wrong with that. Sometime all you need is just a pair of listening ears. I also have learn to give my ears but not giving advice or passing comment. I'm not in a good position to give those advice and comment.

Still miss her and wondering how's she doing. I know she will be fine. She always a very cheerful girl. I pray that lord will take good care of her and let her be safe always. Her sis is also a very nice lady, I'm glad that I make one more friend who is living towards her dreams and while helping others, she do not expect anythings in return. She work very hard and with long hours. Seeing her working so hard, motivate me too.

Sometime still feel like to for deployment. I hope that I will have this chance again one day. That's something never change. Once a soldier, always a soldier.

There still so much to learn in life. I will make use of all the time. Will observe from others, listen to what's others say or share and of course learn from myself too. End of the day, it's my life and no one else know me beside God.

Endure soldier, there's a will, there will be a way. The only easy day was yesterday. Jia you!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

12/08/2010 thursday 1937 hrs

Been very busy recently.

Just a few thought to share.

Things are always simple, just that human make it complicated.

I know that I just need to do what I suppose to do everyday not matter what happen.

Almost a month since I stop medication.

Feeling tired, but I don't know what I find the energy and strenght to carry on with what I doing.

I enjoy working as each day I'm able to meet different customers with different case.

Beside having an income, I guess I like my job because I'm able to help them to find a solution.

In life, alots of things are not within our control, so I just control those that I'm able to.

Something I not sure am I using my brain or my heart to think.

Have to look into it.

Praying everyday and ask God to give me the wisdom to go through all trials.

I really placeing everythingin his hand.

May God bless everyone and all are able to find that direction in life.

Take care all.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

31/07/2010 sat 1314 hrs

Last day of the month. Doing my best to so as much sale as possible.

Been very busy for the past 1 week. Work till quite late each day too.

Using my will power and good news is that I been off medication for 2 weeks.

No any special feeling. Just doing what I need to do each day and stay focus in it.

Have some plans of what I'm going to do next, in fact already started with a few.

I just took up a saving plan. It's a 5 years saving plans and will get the money back in 15 years.

Still going for my medical appointment but try not to take medication.

Keep myself more. Listen to what others have to say and observe.

Praying everyday and I know that life will get better.

Looking at life in a different angle now.

Set up my new company too.

I name it Faith and Believe.

I find it very meaniful.

At 1st was thinking of using Xin Chun Seng, my grandpa company name.

Too busy have to stop.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

29/07/2010 Thursday 1726 hrs

When to see doctor yesterday and was given 2 weeks MC. Doctor talk to me for quite sometime. Finding way to let me feel better and we are still playing with the medication. He share with me alots and I will like to thank him.

Having this terrible headache. I try not to take the medication and using my will power to overcome the pian. Almost faint at work yesterday. I don't really think much now, even sick, I just work. Not thinking much and do what I need to do at work.

I just wish to move a day by a day now. As every new day, it's what I see and feel. Only those are real to me. I can't do much to change anything but as I move on, I'm changing without myself knowing.

After going through everything and people I encounter in life, it only make me a better man and I build up my character at the sametime. I'm growing up and see life in a different way now.

I just follow my instinct and my heart. It may be wrong but it's about how I feel. Just leaving everything in God hand.

Monday, July 26, 2010

26/07/2010 Monday 2216hrs

Having a very bad headache. Been off medication for a week. Feeling quite tired recently too.

Just have some thoughts.

While I offen hear from others that when it's time for you to die, you can't hide. Just have this thought, while I want to die most of the time, I'm alive.

God want us to die or live for a reason. For some reasons, I'm alive. It's a life cycle.
We just have to go through them.
Happy,sad,love,hurt,suffering,sick and bless.

They will always come and they will always go too.

As time goes, I know that I will see more and understand more. I just see life at this point of time as lost.

While busy working for money, I feel lost. Have this question sometime. Am I happy?

I'm not very sure too.

I just wish to have some quiet times too.

Da Jie share with me that what make her move on in life while she very busy is that passion that she believe in that will work. Treat others the way you wish to be treat.

To be honest, how many people able to do that now adays? Maybe from my part, I don't really see them offen.

They are so much things that I wish to do. For some, I don't get the chance, lack of courage or having the fear in me.

I do believe. I sincerely and faithful pray that God will give me the wisdom to go through all trials.

I can keep telling myself, even cheat myself but I know there are things that will always be and stay with me for life. I just have to live with it.

I really wish I will not give up easily but when it's time to let go, just let go.

Health is the most important thing. Without good health, I can't do much too.

I pray that God will heal me. The away the pain from me.

I can't understand why I keep thinking of her too.

I know that I won't be the man that she will be looking in life.

What she want is more than love,caring and understand.

But beside those, I don't really have much more to give.

I know she wish to have a man that she will feel proud of.

And after what I had gone through in life, I just want a simple life.

I feel lonely most of the time, while working, I looking forwards for rest,

but while resting, I looking forwards to work too.

I guess that's what people said about no life.

One part of me, I wish that you here with me but one part of me, I wish that you are not.

It will be very selfish to have you by my side while I know that you won't be happy.

I wish that you will understand that there's better way in handle things.

What happen might happen again and if you manage well, things may turn out the same again.

Ask yourself sometime, is what you wish to have in life that impoartant after all,

sometime when you get what you wish in life, you may lost much much more and are you really

to have these losts?

I saying all these because while I wish to get what I wish in life, I lost much much more.

More that I can bear and I think I lost my soul too.

I know life goes on. I really hope that I'm able to get well and live a day by a day at this moment.

Not matter what I think, furture still come a day at a time.

Only by living through everyday than I can see and talk about the furture.

Hope that I will able to arrange my timing too.

So that I will able to have my quiet time and take up those courses which I wish to take.

Not for better income, but to make me a better man and I hope that I can help others too.

Thanks for those helping hands in my life too.

When you doing things without expecting anything in return will be the best.

Doing things not for money,name,fame and to let others to know you.

I think that will be the best.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

14/07/2010 Wed 1237hrs

I'm someone who hate to make decision in life. At the sametime, it's sometime I can't avoid. Since sooner or later I will have to face them. I rather face them and settle it now.

Getting very emotional recently. I don't think it's a good sign. Maybe I work too hard. Need some quiet time to reflect on myself and look around.

Action always speck lourer than words. Not matter what, just do it not matter what's the outcome will be. It's not about what I want but more on what I can do to make it happen.

I won't know what will happen in the furture, but if want I'm doing now is for my furture. Just do my best. Good time or bad time, it won't stay.

I really must have determination to let go alots of things and people to move on. Not only move on but to break through at the sametime.

Nothing is defnate in the world. So must always remind myself not to take things and people for granted.

Praying everyday and wish that God will answer my prayer and let me receive from him at the sametime. I know that he know me the best. Without me saying anything, he already know what I'm thinking and what's on my mind.

No one can make you feel better or be happy. Only myself able to do that. Ivan. Stop thinking of how others feel and start thinking of how you feel. If you unable to help yourself, if you unable to overcome all challeage, you are not in a position to think of how others feel.

What you want in your life? Find it and work towards it. Find back that spirit. Nothing or no one able to prevent or stop you from moving towards that goal. Endure and fight on soldier. Endure!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

13/07/2010 Tuesday 1738 hrs

Have no idea why I feel so tired and exhausted. Hanging on and fighting on. Sometime, I do wish to leave everything aside and get a good rest. Unable to do that at the moment.

Is my secondary school friend Hock Lee brithday this friday. I can said that over the years I feel lucky that I have a friend like him and we keep in touch. Time really passed very fast too. We used to work part time together and hang out alots too. Sad to know that one of our friend Norman had passed away recently.

I know that nothing will be defnite in our life and any changes, even changes for good will have setback. I think I have really take love from my family and close friends for granted. They are always there, just that I did not take notice. I thank God that I start to understand more things in life and it's never too late for me to do something.

Knowing what you want in life and working towards your goal and dreams is good. But must also know when is the time to let go. I guess, for most of my time in life, I do not know how to let go. Looking at my father eyes yesterday. He getting older. What I can do for him and my mum is to let them have less worries on me.

It's amazing to know that love alone can change alots of things in the world. And love from parent will last forever. May God bless me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

11/07/2010 Sunday 1956 hrs

I will like to thank God that I'm able to get a happy ending today. A relieve for me as I able to settle one issue that bothering me. A chance for me to comunicate with someone I wish and we able to work out something for us.

I guess I'm too tired at the sametime too. Thank God for answering my prayer and I think I'm able to get a day off tomorrow to recharge.

Ivan Loh, make sure you keep and honour your words to JCAL.

11/07/2010 Sunday 1815 hrs

I want to sleep!!! I miss my bed. Very very tired now. Unable to focus well at work. Hopefully that I'm able to get an off day tomorrow to recharge. Been 2 months since my last haircut too. All I wish at the moment is to put down everythings and go to sleep.

If I tell you that I'm not thinking of anything, I will be lying to you. I do wish that time will pass faster but I know that it's impossible. Still have to live a day by a day as furture come a day at a time too.

There's alots of improvement and at the sametime, I still did some mistake too. Because of the love, I begin to live again. Because of your words, I know myself better. Because of having you in my heart, I have that motivation, determination to face and overcome all challeage and obstacle.

I do miss you, I know I still love you. But I know it's impossible for us to be together. I unable to give you what you really want from a guy that can spend the rest of his life with you. I totally understand that. I don't feel that by having you in my heart and loving you without you by my side, I will feel miserable. Love is the sweetest and greatest things in the world. Without love, life seem so lifeless.

When will be the right time? No one will know. That day may not come too. I just know that by loving you, and remember that love that you gave me. It let me know that I'm not alone and all things that I been working hard and enduring for is worth it.

Dear Lord, men and women see us with our reputation, but father, you see us from our heart. I give you my heart and soul and I give my heart and soul to the women I love. I know I can leave them to both of you as it's the most important things which I have. Lead me, guide me. Let me die for something or someone and to live for nothing. Amen

Saturday, July 10, 2010

10/07/2010 1300 hrs

Still as busy as usual. Don't really have much rest. I thank God that I still able to cope and perform even when I am very tired and very lack of sleep. Self motivation to me at this moment is very important.

For these few days I sort of understand a few things and have a better understand of the meaning of life to me at this stage. I won't say that I'm struggling but I will use the word challeage and testing my limits in dealing with people, work and stike the balance in between work and my quiet time.

I understand that only I can give myself happiness as it's all about the way and angle I look issues as. I understand that not matter how bad or good the day may be, it will may not last. I understand that that with love, I able overcome everythings as with love, it worth more than any amount of money in the world.

My eyes are almost half open everyday. Really wish to have an off day. An off day for me to recharge.

Not matter how tired I am, every night when I lie down on my bed, I will start thinking. I not very sure what I'm thinking of, but it involve alots of topics. I will like to write it down as it's the only way which can help me to express what's in my mind.

I thank God that even while I handle with different issues and people every new day, I'm lucky that I have that base to handle them well and at the same time able to build up my character too. No doubt that everyday while I facing new challeage, there are similar to those which I had encounter before.

Don't why recently I keep dreaming of my grandparent. I really miss them. I feel that they are always by my side and it help and give me the motivation not to give up and fight on.

The world is a beautiful place because it's the home for all different type of people. I'm lucky that is my 31 years of short life, I'm able to come across alots of them that made an impact in my life. It's amazing to know that's how this world is functioning and moving on.

We are all similar in a way or other. A clear mind and a strong believe are also important as when we believe, nothing is impossible. I will keep praying everyday. Not only for myself, but for the world, everyone that have come across in my life and of course someone who will be special to me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

06/07/2010 Tuesday 1653 hrs

Feeling so restless. Can't even open my eyes wide. Been working too hard. Not enough sleep and and rest. Just bank in my pay. Will be saving them. Make it a habit to save every month now. Quite looking forward to knock off at 10pm even I'm still working now. lol. Wish to go back home early and get some rest and sleep.

Manage to close a few sale today. 6th days of the month and sale are not that good at the moment. You know why I able to work without off and still doing my best at work everyday? It's a believe. Beside that I able to get a income from my job. The best part is that I able to deal and help different people from different parts of the world and help them to get something for fun or help them to find a solution to their problem.

It's this believe of that I'm able to help others while I working that keep me moving on. Most of the time, I think of how to help them before I think about making profit. Yup, my friends always said that I'm carzy, spend so much time on a customer, earn only a little bit or just ask me not to care as long as I able to close the sale. I just feel that I need to find out more from the customer and recommend the suitable items for them to solve their issue.Not making them pay more from what they should. It's the heart of wanting to help them that make me it's feel meaningful of my job.

Ivan!!! Endure!!! The worse will be over. Not matter what, as long as you are alive and as long as you believe. All things are possible. It may be tough now but one day you will be able to see the result of what you working hard now.

Monday, July 5, 2010

05/07/2010 Monday 1954 hrs

Had been a long week. Been very busy. Alots of changes and adjustment to do. Been 3 weeks since I had my last off day. Feeling tired at some point of time.

Just have some thoughts. Are what we think that are important after all? What's important to me, may not be important to others. What's important to others, may not be important to me. What's important now, may not be important in furture. Whats' now important now, may be important in furture.

In different stage of our life, we encounter people and event that will change our lifestlye. Can I say that we grow and become more mature? Most of us do have dreams, but how many make the 1st step towards it or just say without any action. Are those issue that we are worrying nesscary after all.

We all do have our good and bad points, strong and weak points. Have to find that balance. I remember Colonel once told me that I'm very stubborn and just like a frog in the well. That's was Colonel Ang Yong Guan. I offen remember and think of what he had share with me. Lots of time while I'm very focus on my work, I forget to observe what's happening in the surrounding. I only see one part of the world while I moving on and did not really slow down or stop to see and enjoy the view.

3 words to sum up my life. IT'S GOES ON!!!

Friday, July 2, 2010

02/07/2010 Friday 1839 hrs

The rain have not stop. Been raining since this afternoon. Not staying very focus today. Don't know why I have something in my mind that hold me back. I think I only can say that there are things that I wish to do, but I unable to do them at the moments. I have questions in my mind which I unable to get the answer soon.

The greatest obstacle that holding me back is myself, my own thinking. I not very sure that what I really believe in about life is true. Only till the last moment of my life than I'm able to reply that answer to myself. I know I had came a long way to be who I am today. Enduring and testing my own limits everyday as each day is a new challeage. You unable to know what will happen or what will I encounter.

I do feel lonely sometime. Yet I like to be alone. Taking a step at a time, for each step, the load may be added or removed. It's heavy sometime but I know each time I'm able to move on and break through. How can I say about my life so far? I live, love and do things that I strongly believe in. For duty, for commitment, a sincere and caring heart. Not matter how tough is the road, I had overcome them.

I don't dare to say that I'm prepare and ready for the furture. I just willing to face all the challeage ahead. I can run, I can hide, but it is foolish to fear what I can't avoid. The most beautiful thing in the world that I believe in is Love. Love from parents to children. Love from husband to wife and the Love of every objects and living things in the world. Without love, alots of things cannot be done. Love will give you alots of motivation and the courage to overcome each challeage you face.

Love can be also for someone who is not longer in this world but their love still remain. I miss my grandparent sometime. As till today, I still feel that they are two person who love me most in my life. I can't travel back to time or to bring them back to life but I just want to tell Ah Gong and Ah Ma that I love both of you always. It's something that will never change.

I may came across many people in life. I may fall in love with some of them. My concern is that am I able to love them for life? Till the day I die. Not by saying,thinking or dreams but by action. How many times in life that you feel like giving up and someone just appear from no way to keep you moving? Are what we all doing now, it's for ourselve or at the sametime doing it for others? Life is not about ourselve only. Whatever we say, we do, it will affect others life too.

Words itself can be as sharp as razor. Many times in life, we accidently hurt others just by using words alone and of course we do get hurt by words too. Is what seem important to us now that important after all? Is what we thought that are not important are more important than we thought? We are human. Many times, we like our emotion take over rational.

I never thought that I will be a saleman in my life and yet I had been a saleman for a few years and able to preform well in it. Does it have anything to do with my mindset and my believe? Yes, it does. From all over the years, things I see, people I know, lesson I learn. I make good use of them in my work. Beside selling my customer product. What they get are more. They get the solution to their problem, the relieve in their mind and soul too. Sometime, I just like a doctor.
Giving them a listening ear and give them the right medicine to cure or at lease make them feel better with less pain. That's how I feel about my job as a saleman.

I saw customers smile, I saw customers cried, I saw customer who always think that they know what they buying and I saw customer always willing to listen to others options. I'm able to see what's life about by dealing with different customers everyday. End of the day, we are all just passing by each other life.

Am I moving on? Yes I am. Just not moving that fast. People look at me at different way from my behaviour. Everyone will look at me in different view. All are right as those different way of handling issue, dealing with people and treating others are the real me. At different time, place and people. I behave differently. I'm just a very straight forwards guy. Nothing much to hide about how I feel, who I am and what I do.

There's a will, there will be a way!!! Endure and fight on. Everyone have their own war to fight. Fighting with their inner soul. Remember that the biggest enemy in life is always ourselve. When we are able to overcome ourselve, nothing stand in our way!

02/07/2010 Friday 1323 hrs

Raining day again. Today super lack of manpower. Was chatting on MSN with my cousins and auntie. Been a long time since I see them and chat with them. These are people who know me since I was born and yet we seldom see each other.

Was doing some books recently. Books about how to build up relationship with others in our daily life. I find it helpful to me. Only two place that I will be at everyday. Home and my workplace. These are the only view I able to see everyday. Even just from these two place alone, I meet alots of people and see lots of changes everyday.

I think we just need to keep up with the world. When we stop, time don't wait for us. Everyone and everythings are still moving. Memory are the best part of wisdom and hope is the parent of faith. That's two quote which I read recently.

There's time that I wish that my memory won't be so good. Since I have that advantage, I make full use of it. I think banlancing of everythings is the more important thing to do in life. Balancing of work and time to recharge. Balancing the the time spending on work and spending time with my family.

Mind is a very amazing and beautiful thing that we have. Without dreams of people, the world we see will be very different today. We got used to the things that we had now that we unable to live without them.

Was chatting to dad yesterday. We talk about money. He said that it will be great to have a lot of money. I reply him that it will be only good if you have that amount of money and know what to do with them, if not it only will harm us more.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

29/06/2010 Tuesday 1526 hrs

Still not getting any better after taking medicine for 2 days. Still feeling very cold and still having fever. Will like to ask myself, have I move on? Am I sure? To be honest, I don't have the answer.
Basically, I just doing routine stuff everyday and try not to have free time to think about some issue that bothering me. Will it be better that when you unable to solve something, walk away from it?

I trying to think of something or some day where by I can look forwards to, but my mind seem so blank. I think beside of looking forwards for pay day, I don't really have anything to look forwards to. lol.

Been a long time since I last travel. Don't really have the time and kaki now to acompany me too. Sale for this month is not bad. Staying very focus at work. Beside selling and making profit, I think is the feeling of able to help the customer to find a solution to solve their problems.

I deal with alots of different customers from diffrent part of the world and different background. Sometime, I do like my job. Dealing with them and explaining may take me up to 6 hours. Yup, the way I deal with people and things, others may not be able to understand. Lots of feedback that I'm getting to focus and serve too long on each customer. End of the day, my objective is to have a win win situation.

I know sale is important. Without that, I unable to have any income. Beside making money, my concern is that does the customer getting items that can really help them or just spend an amount of money and do not get the result they want. Yup, as a saleman, I'm thinking too much, but as a human being, I want to do something that I will feel comfortable and in the first place it's what I suppose to do. A listening ear for my customer, understand their needs and solve their problem. Of course case to case. They are customers that I unable to handle too. If they are willing to share with me, I willing to share and assit them too. I think that's the best part of my current job.

Alots of people thought that only office or company will need CCTV system. In fact, I dealing with alots of home user too. From just a simple IP camera to monitor the maid while the customers are working, loanshark case, conflict with neighbour to wife spying husband or husband spying wife. Lots of customers from oversea too.

Beside pricing, it's really about how the items they are purchasing will help them and to let them understand that it's not 100%. Have to be couseller sometime too as their mental stage not very stable too.

Sound funny right? While myself need to see doctor for my depression and my life is in a mess yet I'm still here trying to help others. Can't believe it right. For some reason, it help me alot by knowing that at lease I'm able to do something to help others. Life is not always about myself. I do believe in fate. Fate bring all of us to know each other and bring those customer to me. I believe that everythings happen for a reason. We are all creating history everyday and it somehow determine how our furture will be.

Monday, June 28, 2010

28/06/2010 Monday 1614

Feeling very cold and weak now. Feel like to lie down and rest. Just have some thoughts now. For every action or words that I have do and say will change the furture and it will become history too. Whatever I encounter in my life so far had make me what I am today. The way I look at life the way I deal with things and the way I deal with people.

Looking back. There's always up and down. How I overcome it? By having faith in what I doing at that point of time and people around me to give me a helping hand. At different stage of my life, I made different decision of what I think that is good, people came in my life and some leave. It's like a cycle. Never ending. I believe what I had done which I think was good bring more harm to those around me. Life is not about myself alone.

Am I living in the past? I think so as I had too much regert. Too much regert in the Army. I can said that I lost myself since I left army. Have no direction at all. It's no an excuse, so I had been searching and trying to find another direction in life. Sad to say that I'm still searching for it. I think balance of my expectation is very important. Things don't usually turn out the way we wish that it turn out.

Day by day, I know that I'm living. Don't really have much plan now except saving up as much as I can. I think with the amount of money that I save, I can use it to do what I want in furture.

Was searching for some part time nursing course just now. Sad to know that only full time are available. Maybe I will be a nurse in furture.Lol.

28/06/2010 Monday 1238 hrs

On the way to work today, saw an accident along PIE. A young lady was lying at the road. By the time the paramedic arrive, she had passed away. I was praying. Praying for her at that moment and wish that God will have mercy and save her. I do not know her but I feel sad for her. Not only her, her family too. It remind me of some task that I need to do when I was in the Army.

The worse part beside faceing death, I think the worse part is to break the news to the serviceman family. I get so used to it till sometime as long as I do not know the serviceman, I just do what I need to do. Beside breaking the news was to prepare for Military Funeral. It's sad to attend it.

Did think of attending some nursing course. Maybe it will help me to find a new direction to life. Not holding a rifle this time to save someone, but to save someone by doing what I can to save them or at lease relieve the pain or make them feel better.

I'm feel relieve and will like to thanks a special friend that reply my sms yesterday night. Just to let you know that I can lost you as a lover and I can lost you as a friend. We all do have alots of friends in life but how many we can really depend on. JCAL. Thank you.

Been sick for a few days. Feeling quite weak. Looking forward for an off day which I don't know when will it come. Confuse too, do I need an off day anyway? Lol.

I think by reading is never good compare to encounter it personally. We won't know how someone really feel. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Friday, June 25, 2010

25/06/2010 Friday 1642 hrs

Went for my medical appointment this morning. Will be taking more medicine starting from today and Doctor advice me to have more rest. He worry that while I put all my focus in my work now without rest, I may break down 1 day.

I do have some questions for myself sometime. Question that I unable to get the answer soon or I may never get them. Day after a day, I feel that nothing are really that important and nothing are really that not important.

People come and go in life and different stage of our life. At that different stage, they may be someone who is important to us but later part, they are not. Without anyone that we encounter at different stage of my life, I won't be who I am today. To me, furture come a day at a time.

Was helping this old lady to collect can everyday. I try not to get to close to her emotionaly. I start to worry and think of her. What if she fall sick? What will happen to her? During chinese new year will she have family to be with her and will she get a nice and good meal?

I guess that part of life. Not matter how hard I try not to care for someone, I always end up trying to do something for them. I just hate and scare of the feeling of losting someone. It take time to recover and it may take a long time.

Doing alots of reading recently. Keep it up. Action is the key foundation to all success.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

23/06/2010 wed 1518hrs

Been sleeping very late recently. Feel tired but just unable to fall asleep easily. Quite busy at work too. How I feel? I think I still living a day by a day ba. Fighting for sale and looking forward to get more income.

I think at this moment, work is everything to me. Don't really have the time to caught up with my friends also don't feel like going out too. Staying very focus on what I'm doing. Will be going to NUH for my medical appointment on friday. DR Terence won't be around as he having meeting at oversea. 2010 till now have been a meaningful for me so far. I start work again. I fall in love again and I think I know myself better in a way or other. What will be my goal? I really can't think of any at the moment.

Been reading the Art of War recently. Trying to put them in use in my daily life and work. If at any moment, feel that it's not the right time to settle some issue, I think I will leave it first and move on to settle others first.

I think most of us don't know how to manage our expectation. Most of the time, we go beyone our expectation, that's why alots of people are feeling stress or depress now adays. Comparing is good, but always compare and challeange yourself than to others. Most of the time it ourselve that we need to overcome and not others.

Can I say that I'm lost? Lost in this world not knowing what I'm doing beside that I know that I'm alive and there are things that I suppose to do? Have to find out the answer myself day by day. Endure soldier as in life, something and someone, we will never understand.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

19/06/2010 Sat 1804hrs

Had been a busy day for me. Opening another outlet. Both my day and I unable to sleep last night, so we chat for a while. Sis had start working. I think things are getting better. Still feeling very tired due to lack of sleep.

Had a long talk with Jiaming yesterday. Jiaming happen to be one of our staff. We talk about his study and work. I scold him the other day for some work issue. He told me it's ok but I told him that it's not. I can handle it in a better way on that day itself, but I did not. I told him that I'm sorry on that day, but I told him that sometime a sorry is not good enough. I share alots with him. I told him the reason why I seldom chat or share things with them recently. I told him that as I myself something don't ever do things the way I peach, so I not in any position to pass comments.

As we are expending very fast, we really need to look into area that we are weak in and find ways to improve outselve. Learn from proble we encounter everyday. From manpower,stock and sale.

Friday, June 18, 2010

18/06/2010 Friday 1222 hrs.

Did not really get much sleep recently due to reaching home quite late each day. Do feel tired but still doing routine stuff that I had been doing daily. Sometime get very tired as have to serve and explain to the customer for a long but time will passed quite fast.

Day by day, I have more questions in my mind and wondering what will be the best way to handle all issue. I unable to say that I'm dealing with all issue rational everyday. I do ask myself question why I doing these things? I think I just want the true. Yes, the true,. Nothing but the true. What's others see my as, I can't control as different people see me in different way and see me doing different things and handle different issue. I unable to say that I'm the best, but I'm doing my best at each day using what I have at that moment and what I'm thinking at that moment to deal and finish the task.

When things sometime do get very confusing, we do need people to come in and use their own judgement to see are we handling issue in the correct way. Yes., I may be lost, I may have no direction and I may not know what I am doing, but ask back this question. Do you know? Do you know what you are dealing with and do you really know who you are? Most of us learn, but maybe in a hard way. What you are facing now, you may have to face it again in the future. If all this while you keep thinking that what you are doing is always right and all this while it's others who are at fault. You never learn.

Talking about dreams and idea. What we want to do. Not only for ourselve, but for our family, our friends and nation. Are we all only saying those in words and do nothing to honour our words? Everyone have a different role to play. Are we doing our part and role well even at the lowest point and the tougher time of our life? Most people like to hear nice words. Sometime it's how we put say it. When it come to time when others pass a comments on you, are you able to deal with it with the right mindset?

I not really in the position to pass any comments as I'm not really do things in the way that I peach. I have to look into myself 1st but does not mean that I keep quiet all these while mean that I do not give a darm. Words itself is a very strong weapon. It can motivate,hurt and ever bring a nation together in time of crisis. The damage done with words may be worse than any physical damage on you.

For all words that I had said, I have to take responsible of it. Even at time that I don't mean it and accident hurt others. The damage done may not be able to repair too. For all action I do, I have to take responsible too. I may need a break but I will not run away as without able to settle it. Those issue will surface again.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

17/06/2010 Thursday 1254 hrs

Only the begining of the few hours of the day. I have alots of things in my mind. Issue that I'm thinking all these while and maybe years. Lots of those issue, I may be to live with for the rest of my live. I have to pay a heavy price for alots of things that I have done.

Ivan is still that Ivan who most of the people who know him. He is someone who able to perform well but the endurance level is low. He is someone who have strong believe but those strong believe have cause pain to him and people who are concern about him. He is someone who understand,willing to learn but he let emotional take over those when it's time to put those that he understand and learn into action.

At this very moment. Ivan will tell you that deep inside his mind. All he want in life is to be a soldier. Most of the time while working outside, it's that urgentcy, the important of the task that are task to him that put him to his limit like in the Army and he treat as it he is going to fight a battle. What he learn and know about the Army, he never forget. It's part of his daily life. Not only that he is the frontline soldier. He have place himself in different role to keep the operation going. Not only fighting at the frontline, plan for supply and have to balance the profit and lost. Yes, that's what I learn in the Army. You unable to win a war by yourself and no price are too low to pay as it human life we are talking about. Have to find that balance and work out a plan which will be benefit most of the people he working with.

He have to balance his expectation on himself and the people he is working with. Let everyone have a chance to perform and focus in the area each they are good in. Let each and everyone work as a team to use each other strong points to balance each others weak points. He also need to find that balance of while bringing income in for the company, he need to help and assit the needs of his customers as much as his company could.

If we want to grow, we have to learn and take the risk at the sametime. Nothing can be 100% in this world. He need to know that most things and relationship take time to build. You can't expect that when we plant the seeds today, the tree will grow to it maximent the next day.

I think expectation is the key word here.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

16/06/2010 Wed 2007 hrs

Raining today. Was very busy earily on. Now feeling sleepy and tired. Was arranging manpower today. See how to play around with the manpower I have at the moment to serve more customers within my 3 outlet and bring in more sale. Most are new staff so have to do sale and assit them.

Feel bad. I lost my temper just now. Scolded 1 of my staff. I have to look into myself and find a way to let them have a better understanding and how to handle different situtation at work. I think my Army mindset and charater have never change at all. Too serious when it come to work. It can be a good point and a bad point as well. I think I have to manage my expectation and make use of the resources that I have at the moment to bring in more sale for the company.

Sometime I do scare that I'm too focus or too serious in doing things or treating people. I can play and job around but when it come to time that I need to be serious, I will be very serious. I think that's the part which most people unable to take it from me.

Mummy was chatting with me last night about some family issue. Hope that it all can be solve. it's not about what I want but more about what will be the best for everyone.

Am I feeling very tired and boring? Working everyday? That's a good question. A question that most of my friends will ask offen. Yes, I feel tired and boring sometime but that will be when I have no customer to serve,unable to close deal or have nothing to do. lol Don't really have social life. Maybe I'm not balancing it well. I just make use of the free time I have to do some reading and writing. So how, I feel that by writing out how I feel and what I face or doing everyday help to release some stress and able to look into area that I have done wrong. A reminder for myself as when I write, I will think back of what I have done.

Sometime I asked myself. The things that we are able to share with stranger may be more than what we share with our family or friends. Maybe it's that we unable to find someone we feel comfortable to share about how we feel. Do you know that those who try to end their life or harm themselve and be stop or help by just listening to them? Listen to what they say. All they need are just a pair of listening ears.

Alots of people start off with the heart of of helping others without hoping anythings in return. Sad to say that after sometime, some of them change. As time go, some are looking to move up the stair, some are looking for fame that they forget in the 1st place why they are doing those job. Nothing wrong for wishing to have more comfort life. Just that sometime we do see the ugly part of the world. Are those people we seeing everydays are what we really see as who they are?
Sometime it's also because that after years of handling all those cases had change them. It became routine to them.

Recently I got to know a few customer. They like to drop by when they are free to chat with me. Most of them are old folk. I got to know a uncle who is 72 years old this year who is a doctor in SGH. DR Aw. He's a very nice guy. I enjoy serving him and chatting with him each time. remember the auntie that collect can outside my shop? I greet her everyday and pass her cans that I had collect for her and she always thank me with a smile. There are a few more. Maybe I treat them as my grandparents who I'm very close to.

We all see people in different angel and different point of view. Does it really matter to us of what they did in the past? Without the past, they won't be the one who we will see them as who they are today. That's one of the reason why I like to read biography of individual.

I had seen ex convicts who change their ways and lead a good lifestlye. I also had seen outstanding and sucessful people who end up doing alots of shameful acts. Does human do change? Yes, but not everything. There always a good and kind part of them that they will never change. That is of course what I believe in.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

15/06/2010 1822 hrs

It's a story of a guy name A. Ever since a young boy. A dream was to be a soldier. He was training and studying for that day to come.Finally, he got his N level. The result was out on friday and the very next day, he went for interview with his N level cert to join the Army. Less than a month, he was enlisted to the Army without his parents knowing.

He was happy with the training and it help him to grow and understand more. I will said mature ba. Things were not as simple as he think. He learn that they are no hero and everyone work as a team. It's not longer what A want but what A can do for his country. At the age of 16, while most of his friends was still studying and enjoying their life. A was taught to how to hold a rifle and defend the country, our country, Singapore. Yes, A lost alot. Alot of time that forever can't come back. The time of enjoying, the time of making friends and the time of being a kid. A don't why and how that during those time, his believe was so strong and able to endure all hardship in training. Both physical and mental. He feel proud to be a soldier. Not putting up the uniform for show but wearing it with the responsible to perform his duty in time of needs.

Step by step, A move up the rank and saw quite a number of action. He saw things that forever will change his thinking and how he view the world. Unable to tell you more about what A was doing in the Army.

Due to some incident. A was injure badly. He was admitted to hospital and stay there for a year. It was a long year. He lost alots of things. Confident,buddy basically everything that are important to him. He tried to end his life alots of time but time after time he was save. A not longer the A who he used to be. He was ever scare to put up that uniform again.He was diagnose with Post traumatic stress disorder. Still remember the day that A need to report back to camp from hospital after he was discharge. One by one, Doctor and nurses came to him, wish him luck and hand shake. Some nurse cried. Never have A feel so the weight so heavy with the uniform on. A soldier who once don't scare and fear of everything now and so scare and have fear in everything and people he encounter. Panic attack was common for him.Not long after that, he left Army but what he left was not Army. He left and give up on all things and find that all things are meaningless to him.

He start to drink, gramble, get into fight. Finding all ways to ruin and end his life. The world he see was totally different. A world without love, without feeling. He don't even know what was him doing. He try to work but never stay long. Not because of the pay, but not sense of belonging. He overdose offen and was a regular to hospital. Reach a stage that those who want to help him have all given up hope on him. Maybe the more they love,care and let A go his way, let A feel that the whole world was in wrong and the whole world own him a reason.

15/06/2010 Tuesday 1245 hrs

After 1 day of rest. I'm back to work. How I feel after 1 day of resting? I have more questions in mind. Someone told me that I just trying to self pity and make myself mesirable. I do not not feel in anyway that I should be pity of but I do agree that I feel mesirable. Feel like writing a story today. A true story.

I was born on 16th Nov 1979. The 1st child of my parents and the 1st grandson of my grandparents. What do I remember about my childhood? Very nice and warm with alots of love. We stay in a 5 rooms flat at Boon Lay Drive. In that house of my. I staying with my grandparents, my parents, my 4th,5th,6th and youngest uncle together with my 3th uncle and his wife with my younger sister and Kelvin my younger cousin.

Around that area that I'm staying in. There are alots of Army camp and Air base. I saw my uncle 1 by 1 going for their National Service. Everyday I will be able to see A4 Shyhawk flying from my house windows. Behide of my house is a factory making Ammo for the Armed Fored. I can say that why since a young boy, I have make up my mind to join the Army and be a soldier.

I was very close to my grandparents. I enjoy my time with them. The love and care that they have give me are unable to replace by anyone. Grandpa know that I like army and like to see plane. Very offen he will drive me around to visit those place. My uncles always bring me out. We went for movie, fun fair and sea side. For some reason. I like sea. Don't know why.

I don't why that I have nothing much to say about my parents about my childhood? Maybe since young, we seldom talk. When I was 6. We moved out. Moved out of that place which till today I call it home. A sweet and warm home with alots of love.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

13/06/2010 Sunday 13.21 Hrs

Did not sleep well last night even after taking 2 sleeping pills. Working and listening to BoyZone song Not Matter What. Somehow, like this song.

Sale was not good yesterday, not much customer. Quietly without telling anyone, I start saving, I start to keep fit and I start to smoke less. Am I doing all these because of her? Maybe? I not sure. I just hope that if really got a day that I able to see her again, she will see a different me. Not to prove to her anything but to let her know because of her remark, it have help me to become a better person. Why is that so? Because I do love her but knowing that by loving her will bring her more hurt than joy it's better to let her be that silly girl who I know. Always cheerful,full of ideas and dreams.

I asked God everyday. Why I'm alive? I still unable to get that answer but every morning when I pray, I thank God that I'm alive and still breathing. Maybe I will get the answer on that day. I thank God for everythings and ask God for forgiveness for all my sins. I pray that God will give me the knowledge, will power, patience, determination and wisdom to overcome everything. take the fear away from me. I pray that Joyce will be safe,happy and that she able to find a guy who she love and that guy will love,care and concern her and never hurt her in any ways.

On here, I can write what I want without the fear of letting anyone know as I know no people will come and read. It's a place that I can write down how I feel everyday and It help me alot as by saying, I feel better. At the sametime have no worries that others will tell me what I believe is right or wrong. Now adays, I only listen to others and seldome pass comments. Why is that so. Sometime by passing comments or listening to too much comments will make you more confuse.
I won't dare to say what I'm doing or saying will be 100% right or 100% wrong. I just know that at this moment of time, what my mind is thinking of and the issue that I'm facing.

My daily job is to bring in sale for my shop. How I do that? Am I able to bring in more sale? Is there area that I can improve on? Why I close or did not close a deal. Those are the area that I will have to look into it and ask myself at the end of each day. Am I doing my best today? When I have an idea, I just think or I use it on my work. Man, moment and machine. Right place,right time and right people. This is what I see. Supply and demand. Beside giving outstanding service, giving customer option and finding solution for them.

Those area that I able to work on,look into it and control, I will. Those that I unable to, I try not to think about it. Beside me, I got staff working with me. How to help them to improve on their customer service skill. Knowing of products, how to close a deal. These are the area that I have to look into it and assit them in whatever I can. End of the day, I wish that if one day they are not longer working with me. What they learn will benefit them in furture. Just like one of the story that I read on Chicken Soup for the soul at work. In our life, alots of people pass by our life and they encourage,motivate and share with us of what they know. From that story the guy wish to return a favour, but later change his mind because he believe by giving will benefit more people. So by sharing and giving our knowledge to others, it will help more people.

Do you know that most of the leader are not born as leader? We choose our goverment and leader. Most of the time, decisious made by them may not let everyone feel perfect. We have about 6millon of people. It will be impossible to let everyone to be happy. I not on any side of the party. I just wish that not matter the idea is from who, they all discuss and make a dicisious at that moment which will be good for Singapore. I see outstanding officer from the Armed Force. They are top in whatever course they take but they may not be the best leader. Why? Beside knowledge and rank. Making a decisious, caring for soldier, be fair and he must do what best for his man and unit not for himself but for our country.

We read alots of news. Recently more and more news about people in charity misuse of the funding. They all start off with the heart of doing something good for others. Why end up like that? Greed. We have to remind ourselve not to let the temptation of money and fame to lead us to the road of evil. Talking about temptation. Too much temptation in life. So let us all just do our best to deal with them. No lesson is too high or too low to pay for. Simple, they are not free.

I can tell you honestly that my personal and family life is in a mess. I used to be stress and trying my best to handle,solve or deal with them. After years of trying. What I'm doing now is to walk away from it. Yes. That's my answer. I already did whatever I can. I don't want to make my life miserable. I still care,love and concern for them but I know where I stand and how much I able to do and help. I know that they will be always there for me, just like I will be always here for them. It's a fact that no one can change.

Friday, June 11, 2010

11/06/2010 Friday 1912 hrs

Boring and alone at the shop. No customer. Maybe because of the PC show and world cup. Just finish reading chapter two of the 'Chicken Soup for the soul at work" Chapter two, On caring.

15 short stories of individual person. It said in this chapter that the power of love and caring can change the world. After reading, it help me by having a feeling that there are alots of way that I can work on and improve.

First story. A lesson from my father. The starting quote is by Winston Churchill. "You make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give." It's about a story of how a son learn and get from his father kind act. His dad own a shop. During one of the Christmas when he was 14 years old. His dad serve a young boy who is about 5 years old and who is poor trying to get a gift for his younger brother. The boy take a long time before he choose the gift. A toy plane that cost $3.98. When his dad asked the boy how much he have. The boy took out all the money that was with him. $0.27. The dad said "that'll just about do it." as he close the deal. This story tell me that as we worked and watched, we learned that work was about more than survival and making a sale.

2nd story. Bringing your heart to work. The starting quote is by Paul.P.Parker. " You can handle people more sucessfully by enlisting their feeling than by convincing their reason. It's about a story of a collaboration trainer for telemarketing firm with the vice-president and the staff. When conducting the training for the staff, the trainer feel that the staff are not fully commit in the training. She asked the staff why. One of them reply that he don't think the company will really let them use what they learn as they don't care about human. In order to find out what happen, the trainer visit the firm. There she saw the vice president interrupted one of his staff in a middle of a conversation with a customer. The vice president than walked over over to another person who was on sale call and asked him why he had a personal photo on his desk, since none were allowed. She wait until the vice president went back to his office and knocked on his door. The vice president smile and invited her to speak. She told the vice president that she got a problem that she hope that the vice president can solve for her. She told him that she was hired to to teach this new sales technology that really supports trust and collaboration. However, the participants are afaid to bring it back to their desk. The vice president who was a big man and an ex Marine sat way back in his chair smile and replied,"If it make money,why should they be afraid." The trainer asked a question that have nothing to do with anything. She asked" How do you function at work each day when you leave your heart at home?" The vice president reply to her was what else the trainer will like to know about him and invited her for dinner. On dinner, the vice president share with her his Vietnam war experience as an officer who had to do bad things to good people. After the dinner. He shame had kept him silent, and he had never discussed the experiences with anyone before. He spent his life believing that his goodness could hurt people, so he decided years before not to let his heart get in the way of his job. It was a pain he caried daily. On the next day the vice president apologized to the whole team for being disreapectful to them, and offered to make whatever changes they needed, so that they would want to come in to work each day. He also want to learn the technology from the trainer and offer it to his entire sales staff. From here we learn that human heart are good and kind in natural, just that what we encounter change us and hide the real good and kind heart we have.

Have to stop here for now.

11/06/2010 Friday 1213 hrs

Busy day yesterday. Manage to capture some sale. Did not really sleep well. Did some quiet time when I reach home yesterday. Just relax myself on the bed. Had one and a half dumpling.Lol
Cooked by my mum. Chat with her for a while too.

Was replying to e mail yesterday. Work relatate issue. How should I put it? Hmm, I think I will use military term and way to explain ba. A company is like Army. We got chief of defend, Division, brigade, battalion,company and platoon.

We are all task and station at a level. The view we see are all different. We may not understand what's the higher level is think of and the higher level may not be able to know what's really happening on the groud. Beside communication, I think case study is very important too.

Everyone encounter different case. When we share, not everyone able to caught the picture and understand. Alot of planing in different area are important too. Today, you may be an outstanding commando, but you never be an outstanding storeman. An outstanding storeman may not be an outstanding commando. Everyone play a part.

History have teach us many lesson. Just that we never go study and let history repeat itself. Right place,right time with the right people. Man, moment and machine. In world war 2. Japan and Germany have many outstanding soldier with some of the best equipment. Why they lost? Intelligence play a part. Most of their code was break. Allied did not fight their frontline soldier or elite force. They attack their supply line. This tell us what? Not matter how outstanding your soldier may be. They still need back up and supply.

In Vietnam War. Why North Vietnam win? Psychological warfare.They used Sun Tzu "The Art of War." Seldom fight head on. Used guerilla warfare. This tell us that human mind play a part. If your soldier are force to fight a war does not belong to them and the morale is low. It's impossible to win a war. Same as when we are working. IF our mind and morale is low. We unable to sucess in whatever we are doing.

There are really some much to learn. We go school for knowledge or for that cert. What we learn, do we remember and use them in time of needs? Nothing will be 100% same. We have to match and make. Use different ways and method to handle with different situations that we are all facing today. When you sucess, don't be too proud. There reason why we fail and have low time. It's the time for us to think and look back what that reason we fail and ways to improve. Remember that tough time don't last, tough man does.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

09/06/2010 Wednesday 1515hrs.

Went to Certis Cisco this morning for a tour. Got to know more about the organization and I have to say that quite impress with it. Beside knowing of the Auxiliary Police Officers that we see offen. Get to know how the whole organization work as a team, how to monitor their staff, escort of cash, protection service, course they offer, respond to crisis and the integrated operations centre.

Technology help us in many ways now adays. Police officer and soldier are equip with advance weapon and system to help them in their daily job and in time of crisis. Now it's just the human part. Are the mindset is right? You can give the best equipment in the world to them but if the morale is low and man does not want to fight. End of the day we still talking in paper. Paper in a sense that how much weapon we have, how much manpower we have, how good our equipment are but all still in paper as in time of crisis, how many willing to do something for our nation. Not by words but by action.

Just finish the 1st chapter of of a book by the name of "Chinken Soup for the soul at work" There's eight short stories. Stories of individual about their love at work. It warm my heart after reading them. All true stories telling wonderful and meaningful things still happen in this work. Stories about how small things that can be done for others and yet it mean about to them. Stories about love from parents even that they never say "I Love You" but deep inside they are so emotional and they do care. Stories that tell me that sometime people are there all the while just that I don't feel it. Just a short eight stories let me have a different view of life. As they are all real life stories that happen to ordinary people like me.

This book was with me for years. Only until recently that I start reading it. It's a gift from a nurse few years back while I was In NUH. I remember I calling him Uncle Lim. A nurse who in his early 50s. He used to be an accountant until he been retrench. When I was staying there, he just graduated from Nursing Course. From a guy with high income till being retrench. He still have faith,put away all negative remark and still start a new career as nurse. Can you imagine how much courage he have to take to do that? Not only him, a few of them. All in their late 40s or early 50s. Joining as nurse. Starting from the scratch, working under staff nurse who are much more younger than them. Doing what others think that it's dirty, long hours and low income. They don't mind. They share with me alot. Everyone try to make me talk and let me get out of depression and stop isolating myself.

When for alots of treatment. Beside medication. Still try CBT,ECT. Just don't work on my. I just isolate myself from the world. Still breathing but feel that all things and people are not important anymore. I just hide in my room. Refuse to see anyone, refuse to go out, refuse to take my medication. For three years, I just hide in my room. Is it a miracle? Everyone always told me that it's a miracle that I live. Is it a miracle that I step out of my room to find this world again? Sometime I feel like crying. I really miss my grandparents. I miss the time when I was just a young boy. They are always there to love and protect me. Giving me support in whatever I'm doing.

Will history still repeat itself? Can't be bother at this moment. Just stay focus, forget about all the fear. There's a will, there definitely a way. Move on and Jia You Ivan!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

08/06/2010 Tuesday 2045 hrs

Alone at the shop. Feeling tired. Looking forward to knock off and go home sleep. Tomorrow need to wake up early as need to visit Certis Cisco / Auxiliary Police HQ for technical visit. What's on my mind now?Blank.lol

Isolating myself from others beside working. I think I need that at the moment. Not making myself miserable but a time for me to be quiet and meditate. Look into myself deeply and find that inner peace in my heart and soul to help me stay focus in whatever I'm doing. I survive another day. That's what important to me today ba.

Enjoying and relaxing myself whenever I can with some soft music and try not to listen to emotional song. Handle different type of customers each day. From them, I see different needs and requirement. I think that's life ba. We all are going after different things. No right or worong to me. Just the expectation of each individual. What's my expectation? I'm still still searching for it. Just a small shop of mine, I can see so many different people and things that happen in our daily life. If you really walk out from where you are now, you may see more.

I see loving couple looking for CCTV for their home and I see husband or wife trying to get spy camera to spy the other party. Abit funny, good,sweet,bad and angry thing all just happen here. From here, you can see the good part of each individual or family or see the bad part of each individual or family. I think trust is important. Now adays, most of us lack of trust and sad to say that there are alot of temptation out there. Just a small mistake may ruin your life forever.

Never or less. It's never too late to change too. Sometimes it's because of some event of someone who change the way we think and look things in a different angle. It's just that some mistake, the price to pay is too high for you to accept. Can we really forget someone or forget some event? For me not so easy. It's a good time or bad thing? I not sure too. Sometime it's good, sometime it's bad.

My thinking are always so confusing. I guess what Joyce said is right. I don't know what am I doing at all. How is Joyce? Is she happy? Are she doing ok? I still pray. Pray every morning for her and me. I already let go. Just a prayer for a special friend who once leave a foot print in my life.

08/06/2010 Tuesday 1600 hrs

Back to work after one day of off. Sleep the whole day yesterday. Just have this thinking. Sometime blur is better than awake. Lol. If really want to think and worry, too much things to think and worry about. Have to divide them into different category and see each are the most important to be do or settle first.

Got some feedback that I should forget about the past and move on. I won't say that it's impossible but the memories and flash back just come back naturally. Got feedback that I don't know what am I doing. I agree too. I really don't know. I just know that for now that I'm alive and working. I have to do my best in my work. That's where all the income will be coming. Without that income, will have more problem.

Do not see me as what I appear to be or about my past. I'm a totally different person from the way I act,things I do and the word I said. I don't even understand myself so how am I able to expect others to understand me. Anyway, is there this need to know and understand me? I think no.

Shit, I'm still smoking. Got cut down but still not good enough. Serve a customer for 2 hours. All others thought that I unable to close that sale and that customer are just wasting my time. In the end, I close it. Got any other return customer too. Close the deal too. Am I proud of myself? No. I'm not. I just help and share, assit and help them to find the suitable solution to solve their issue. That's what I doing everyday. Hope that I'm able to stay focus and have more customer for me to serve each day, if possible, close the deal too.

I need more feedback as sometime I need others to remind me and that I can know myself better to imporve in area which I'm weak in. Not good feedback but those negative feedback. People always like to listen to nice things but I like to listen to bad things about myself. Words itself is a strong weapon.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

06/06/2010 2027hrs

Was listening to some song and reading some biography for different people. How I feel after reading them? I feel that alots of people still willing to work towards their dreams till the day they not longer around. Everyday, soldier die in the war front while people like us are living complaining about alots of things. When we think of what time we are able to knock off and go home. They think are they are to live today. When we complain that we have no time to spend with our family. They think when are they able to see their love ones again. Yup, war and our daily life are different. No one will really understand how they feel. Some fight because they have to. Some fight for freedom. Some fight for something they strongly believe in. For Honour, for courage, for glory. End of the day, many fight for a simple reason. For the guy next to him who he called buddy.

Don't ask me why I keep thinking about military. I don't know. Alots of time while I not longer in army. I motivate myself by song and the the military mindset. Not never say die but if I don't do it, who going to do it. It may be hard to trust people now adays. We all own alots of things. One thing I feel that we all are lack for is trust. Trust between friends, family and relation. How many people honour their words these days. How many people willing to die for others. Are those scenrio only seen in movie. No I don't think so. Many soldier die for others everyday. They die for others so that others will live. Many die without thinking too. I wish that they won't have war. No one want to be hero. Maybe before joining or be send there, you may wish to be one. Not after you have seen war.Hero are extra ordinary person who do extra ordinary thing at extra ordinary time.

Sometime I wish I can get out of all these military things. Think of other things. Not matter how hard I try, still unsucessful. If given this chance to be deploy to fight a war for my country. Will I? The percentage will be very high. Am I crazy? I think so. Should I leave all things in God hand? I not sure? I believe God want me to think and do things this way for a reason which I don't have the answer yet.

Is status, wealth that important? Maybe yes. But for me no. I rather want wealth and not status,rank or name. Lol. Less people know who I am got less gossip and less problem to think about. Got money but without letting others know will be a good thing. Lol. Don't judge a person by how they look or what they do. You never know until you get to know them deeper. Every got their good and kind side. Use your heart to treat others without expect anything in return. Are we able to do that. People come and go. That's life. Take it or leave it.

06/06/2010 1735hrs

Terrible headache and stiff neck now. What a time to fall sick. Sale not bad today. Have to maintain. Looking forward to go home tonight and get some rest. Work and rest is my daily routine. Wake up, go work. After work, go home sleep. Life is just like that to me now. Not doing any more or any less. Is it true that some character that we have, we are born with it?

You know what I want to do most now? Go home and sleep. Lol. Still trying to get back the money that others owe me. Got difficulty doing that. Just tey and ask whenever I'm free. No harm doing that. Thinking of buying a car. Just a simple one will do. So that I can travel to work faster and reach home early after work each day. Will calculate the cost before I go purchase 1 ba. Maybe save the money for better use. Basically, I'm not spending much. After giving parents and sister. Paying the bills at home and my personal handphone bills. I only spend on foods, transport and cigarette.

Want to spend is easy but want to earn is hard. Have to stop loaning money to others. What can I do make my life more colourful? Blank in my head at the moment. By not thinking and expecting anything at this stage will be good too I guess. Help me to stay focus on my work and earn more money if possible.

Pain pain go away. Can't fall sick now. Not enough rest. But will rest help me? LOL So many theory are so confusing. Right and wrong, good and bad. Too many theory are in grey area. Think don't do. Do don't think. Lol. Am I right to say that now?The most beautiful can be the most ugly too. Come on. Let everything come and happen. I can take it. Chanllenge my limit and fight to the end. Hope I won't rise white flag and surrender. Lol.

06/06/2010 1212 hrs

Sunday and it's a working day for me. Silently I have make a few choice and plan what should I do. Joyce send me msg yesterday. Enlight me somemore. I told her a believe is what keep me moving and alive. She told me that I just making my life miserable. I agree with that yet is that believe that make me come to work everyday and do whatever I suppose to do. Guess what, I did not tell anyone that I don't carry cigarette on me while I'm working. I put it in my bag. Controling the amount of cigarette I will smoke and hope that 1 day I can say bye bye to it. It have acompany me for many years.



Have you ever wonder why my blog is not so consistent? Because I just write at that moment what's on my mind. Everyday we may be doing the samething at the same place with the same people but our feeling are not the same everyday. Just like life. Alots of things, place and people are still there just that the feeling are different. I don't really spend much time at home now. Every month I just take back what I can to pay for the bills and some money for my parent. It may not be alot but they feel happy.



Someone told me yesterday that commando are all brawn but no brain. She's wrong. Why? We are train to fight to accomplish task that us pass to us. With that objective and believe that we have, we fight with everything we have. We die so that others will live. Yup, I agree with her that war and human relationship is different. The mindset is different. Why I so persistent and have that believe? Everyone are unique in their own way. Some thinking and believe just stay with you till the day that you are not longer around.



What is best? Best is something that you have did your best, no one can overtake you. But are you able to maintence it everyday? Most of us don't think. We only think when something unhappy or bad happen. From there we start to think what's life is all about, who are friends, who are love ones. Who can and who don't. That's human I guess. We always take things for granted.



Quiet time and meditation help me alot. Beside relaxing my mind. It help me to think and analyse things in a more logic way. LOL But in some arer emotion still take that away. No one is perfect. That's my biggest weakest. Caring and concern people is good but over is not. As human, most people think that you did that for a motive. I try to keep myself away from others and not to care what going on or to pass any comments unless neccessary.



I learn that not matter what I do, there always be remarks and comments from others. So what I do? I remember one of my friend once send me a e mail. Telling me this.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

Sometime when you doing something knowing that you won't get anything in return you still do it. It's stupid or silly or what? To me it's still a believe and I fellow my heart. Super stubborn. Lesson tell me that what I believe may not be always right but doing against my believe, I can't do it. I don't dare to say that I'm as confident and as firm as who I use to be. Need to be more flexible. If not, it will be like what Joyce said, making my life miserable.

Lots of things and event are better left untold. The world is changing, just that I'm not. I will still continue to do thing and treat people the way I always believe in. Ivan! Always remember this. Do whatever I can from where I am and as who I am. Don't push and force yourself into doing something that you feel not right and uncomfortable. Adjust and adapt whenever I need to.